So, nobody really knew where we were going this weekend and we really didn’t even know until Friday night. We decided on Morgantown, West Virginia.

It was a nice overnighter, and as Lindy kept telling EVERYONE (wait staff, elevator folks) “We get daddy for 2 WHOLE DAYS!!” It was nice having daddy for 2 whole days, uninterrupted. Friday night, Dale crawled into bed and said he had found a hotel in Morgantown. It was perfect. We took our time on Saturday morning, packing up, playing Settlers and left town at noon. When we checked into the hotel, we went into our fabulous room, opened the blinds and found a MASSIVE cemetery right outside our window. How ironic. NOT what we wanted to see. Luckily the front desk was able to put us in a room on the opposite side of the hotel.

First things first. Swimming in the hotel pool. Can you tell how excited Lindy is to swim?

What next? We perused the West Virginia visitor guide and talked to the concierge and had a plan. First stop, The Wow Factory where we did some pottery painting! We had hundreds of pottery options to choose from and then we picked out our paint and painted! Lindy chose an ice cream cone and Dale and I painted a small dragonfly blue to have around the house here. What a great family place to hang out, we really enjoyed ourselves.

Dinnertime was next, we found a great place, 100 feet from the hotel, the Mon River chop House, a lovely place down by the river. We enjoyed a nice steak.

We laughed sitting around the table, reminiscing about a time we had 2 years ago while we were sitting in a restaurant with Lindy. She was CRAWLING all over us. Up and down, here and there. NOT relaxing. We were probably slightly annoyed. I looked over at this 1 year old child sitting calmly in a highchair, not moving, just sitting there. Perfect. We both just sat there in awe and Dale probably even said something along the lines of “what are WE doing wrong?” Well, after we got up and walked by to leave, we noticed the kid was parked in front of one of those portable DVD players. We both laughed and rolled our eyes. NO WONDER!!! Well, Lindy enjoyed watching a DVD while we ate dinner at the Chop House as the people next to us parked their kid in front of one. I understand wanting to go to a restaurant and sit there peacefully but I don’t see myself EVER doing that.

What next? Well, 7pm rolled around and we decided to check out the West Virginia University Women’s gymnastics event at the local coliseum. Ha. who knew 10 dollars could be so entertaining?

Here is Lindy leaving the gymanstics event, trying out her own “beam.”

Then it was time to end the night with some ice cream at a local ice cream shop. Never heard of Caraval ice cream and we weren’t really impressed but Lindy sure was! If you can add pink sprinkles to something…life is complete.

More swimming on Sunday morning after a lovely buffet breakfast. You can sort of see the little creeper kid behind Dale. More than likely he was crawling out of the pool to pinch Lindy or poke Dale in the bottom. Seriously. We spent most of our time trying to avoid this kid in the pool and the mother just every once in a while would say, “Hanson, are you behaving?”

Got a late check-out from our room at 1pm as we packed up. We went and found a rock to climb. Yes, a big rock called Dorsey Knob. Dale cannot pass up something to climb.

Then, instead of walking down the hill from the rock, it was decided that you must roll. I claimed the pregnancy card and the other two got dizzy from spinning.

Then it was time to get on the road. You know what we found on the map, about 3 miles from Morgantown? The town of Everettville. A good way to end our trip.

So, we had a few debates on our way to and from our weekend trip and here’s how it went.

Hannah: I think that the night BEFORE Everett’s birthday will be the hardest because we will be thinking about that awful night.

Dale: I don’t think so. I think Saturday nights are the hardest and always will be.

And so on and so forth. Saturday night seemed less emotional than last year, I didn’t replay the events in my mind. I know Monday and Tuesday will be hard but we had a nice memory “this” weekend to add to last year’s.

So, we are on our way to Randomtown West Virginia this year. Found a GREAT hotel in Morgantown. We are just staying one night and then coming home tomorrow.

Yes, I did pack more insulin this year.

Did anyone else notice that I am my ONLY follower over there? ha. I thought I’d add it to my blog since I have so many hits on the site…just trying to know some of you who lurk…I became my own follower to test it out…seems to be working. Anyone else want to try it? PLEASE be my friend? Do I sound desperate?

Thank you all for your feedback on VBA2C. I wanted to clarify just a few things…one being, YES, I will do whatever it takes to get that baby out in the best way for both of us! And secondly, biggest disappointment in life is obviously not meeting my son…I felt like a shallow whiner when I said biggest disappointment was not giving birth vaginally. (I wonder what kind of hits I am getting on my site because of the use of the V word on this blog!!)

So…it is probably a good thing I am not singing in choir this coming Sunday…as we rehearsed tonight, I just cried like a baby during the song. I really couldn’t even sing the song. I just had to stare at my music. I was so embarrassed, I’m sure the choir director thought I was having a meltdown. And of course, I didn’t have a kleenex at that moment, so I just dripped and snotted all over…all the while trying to sing. Now, had it been some rockin’ song about rainbows or something, I probably could have pulled through, but of course the song is about “Being Still” and “when the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm” “Father you are king over the flood, and “Finding rest for my soul…in Christ alone”. Those can be hard words to sing. I think, ever since Everett died, I’ve been trying to find that “rest for my soul”, I think every parent who has lost a child struggles with that “resting” part. No I’m not talking about sleeping at night, albeit that too, but that rest of trying to figure out “why” all the time and trying to make the death of your child “make sense” in your brain. Add a year and a half of unexplained infertility and the soul could go CRAZY!

Add a new pregnancy now and all the thoughts, worries, and dreams. BE STILL MY SOUL. I just need to scream it at the top of my lungs. The only rest I can find…is in Christ alone. He truly is the only one who can fill that void. It is still hard to sing. A lot of times, I can sing those words and after EVERY sentence in the back of my mind, I bitterly say, “I’d still rather have my son”; but I know when all else fades…loving and serving God is the one thing that matters.

Well, we are planning on winging it this weekend for our yearly “make a good memory” this weekend as we remember the life and death of our son. I cannot believe it has been 2 years. You might remember our trip to randomtown Ohio last year. Seems like such a long time when I say that but the minute you get me talking about THAT night…I feel every emotion down to my core and it is just like it happened an hour ago. I feel all those and yet I can’t grasp those moments holding Everett, it was such a blur.

Anyways, we are leaving for somewhere on Saturday morning, finding a hotel and staying the night and through the day on Sunday, coming home Sunday night so Dale can go to classes on Monday and Tuesday. Still gotta figure out where we are going!!

Well, we have recovered from the flu, we quarantined ourselves to the house for 4 days and then I went to the doctor on day 5, just to confirm and put it on file. It was a long 4 days but I’m glad that Dale didn’t get it. He doesn’t have time for it.

Do you know what occupied my thoughts all day on Tuesday? VBA2C. That’s it. I literally daydreamed about a VBAC from sunup to sundown and could not stop dreaming about it. The awful labor pain, the hours of pushing, the tearing, the tears, the pride of doing all that hard work, the joy of having the child laid on your belly within seconds of being born, nursing as soon as possible, those pictures of moms and their babies in their arms (not behind a blue sheet). I just want to do it that way. As mentioned in another post, I’m not 100% content about having a c-section for baby Tres.

Now, I’m going to stop here and say, of course I would do anything and everything the doctor’s say to get the baby out in the healthiest way. Obviously, when we try to make our own plans…things change…so I am just dreaming. Things could drastically change between now and then…but a girl can dream on her blog right? Well, I’m going to.

When I turn 101 and someone asks me my biggest disappointment in life…I would say that I didn’t deliver vaginally. Seriously. I am THAT hung up on it. I even talk to my therapist about it. I have NO idea why I am so fixated on it. You’d think I’d just want baby Tres out the fastest and most predictable way right?

Well, I saw my OB/GYN on Monday and met the 4th, newest doc. I was nervous about meeting him, I asked the nurse if he had “read my file and would know about my son” and she said yes, he was amazing….and he WAS. Absolutely amazing. So excited about my team of doctors!!! I’ve loved the other 3 in my last pregnancy and this new addition has an interesting spin because he is an OB/GYN who specializes in diabetes!!! He had so many questions for me, questions that my diabetic doctor doesn’t even ask. I was very impressed. He held my hand as I told him, through tears, my frustrations about being the perfect diabetic last time and my son still died…it has been hard for me to get back on the “being perfect” this pregnancy. They all think my numbers are just fine. I’d like them lower, but as long as they are happy, I’m going to give myself some credit. I wouldn’t purposefully add MORE problems into this pregnancy by not having good glycemic control.

During this visit, he said “You’ll probably have another c-section”. I stopped him there and said, “probably? There is room for discussion?” and he said definitely! He went on to say that studies show that the risk of uterine rupture is not as bad as once thought after having a c-section and more and more doctors are being encouraged to let women try VBACs after more than one section!?!

Makes sense to me. There are MORE risks of me going into c-section surgery than for me to try vaginally. I just REALLY really really really want to at least try as long as EVERYTHING is in a controlled environment and they are ready for anything. As long as baby Tres is fine and everything looks good. I know my body can do this.

There are crazy variables involved in doing this, one being I’d be induced 4-5 weeks early and 2 uterine scars already…but I’ve heard of people doing VBA2Cs.

I have never met anyone who has been as passionate as me about this…I’m starting to think I could be crazy. These crazy maternal instincts!

Am I crazy?

Am I totally selfish?

Well, if you are on facebook, you have seen that I’ve been complaining, rather, I’ve been trying to get attention because I feel so crummy about being sick with the flu. I guess I knew it was coming. We have a few extra people that live with us (we LOVE you!) and one has been fighting something for 3 weeks. Well, I practically forced her to finally go the doctor -it is the flu. Guess who wakes up the next morning with the flu?

Me and Lindy.

(I really do love you dear tenant) and I’m not as angry with you anymore. It is bound to happen when you live so closely with people.

Well, Tuesday morning, the minute I opened my eyes, I felt it. The flu. I was achy, had a fever, fatigued, and had this HORRIBLE cough that lead to a headache. Now, I usually don’t complain about headaches. I’ve had maybe 5 headaches in my life but every time I coughed, which was about 50 times in an hour, the headache would be excruciating. I was pretty upset, we had a day planned of our monthly nature walk and a fabulous evening with 2 new friends.

Nope. Wasn’t happening.

Besides being miserable, the ONLY thing I was concerned about was baby Tres and how this could affect the baby. Obviously, it should be okay, but I just need to keep every last crazy away from my baby!

Lindy and I lounged in our pjs ALL day. We bundled up to go to the store to get some food. I think I spent SO much energy getting to the store, by the time I got home with my: toaster strudel, V8 Splash, pudding, yogurt, cinnamon toast crunch, sunflower seeds…I wasn’t hungry to enjoy it. The last few days, we really haven’t’ had an appetite, I’ve had to force Lindy to drink juice and eat toast. Today, I went to the doctor and he confirmed it. He was so nice but of course, couldn’t give me anything. I knew that. Just wanted to get it on paper.

Anyone noticed that I need attention about it?

Dale’s birthday is on Saturday. I was supposed to be shopping all week. Not happening. Now I gotta pull it together in about 24 hours. ugh.

Go away flu, please!