Baby Tres is not sharing room in their with baby Cuatro…we’ve got us one baby in there!

Dale, Lindy and I went to the OB/GYN yesterday, stopped to pick up some cookies for the staff first. They all came out and hugged us -it was nice. It wasn’t nice to see that the gift we donated to the office (kids table, chairs, and books), the books had all been stolen. Not one was leftover. Trying to re-think if we should buy more books or skip it.

We had our ultrasound, the technician was clueless but nice. We met with the doctor that raced into the hospital the night Everett was born and he definitely felt our concerns. Since I’ve had a placental abruption, my risks for having another one go up…so the plan is to do an amnio at 35 weeks to check the baby’s lung maturity. If it looks good, deliver via c-section at 36 weeks. So, we are looking at middle of July. I’m unhappy about the c-section but I’ll save that for another post. Let’s just get to 35 weeks….

One minor issue the doctor brought up while we were there. He said he wasn’t even going to tell us because 30% of women have this and get over it just fine. Apparently there is some bleeding near the uterus. It can turn into a miscarriage or just go away. So, we wait. There is nothing we can do. I think I would have rather not known, but he probably HAD to tell us anyways. Baby Tres has been on my mind constantly, I can’t stop thinking about everything.

We got baby T’s first pictures! I wish I would have asked to see the bleeding…I obviously can’t tell on the ultrasound photos.

We came home after the appointment, I think a little depressed. It was very anticlimactic. I’m not sure how we would have felt if everything looked okay, but the minor “glitch” they found is disheartening. We are praying that God will sustain this child in my womb.

I really don’t think it has sunk in yet. I might be in some sort of denial phase. Seeming how nothing has really changed and I feel just fine -different- but fine. It feels weird knowing that we have BEEN here. DONE that and don’t have a lot to show for it other than a box with all of my son’s things and 30+ extra pounds around my waste. I know. I know. I can’t really say that. I have grown emotionally and I hope spiritually a lot in the past 20+ months.

I know that lots of you, my readers, have not yet gotten that positive, and I know it might be painful to read through mine. I want to be sensitive to those who have lost children and those who are struggling with infertility; I know how difficult it is to keep reading about all those “other” people who are getting what they want and you are not.

I am encouraging myself to be positive, to allow joy to come during this pregnancy. I fully believe that a child in the womb absorbs the love, energy, and atmosphere that is around them. Do you think so? Dale and I are not quite on the same page yet. I can see him protecting himself A LOT. We keep having conversations about how emotionally “invested” we should get with this child. Sounds crazy hugh? I’m trying hard to be cautiously optimistic but no matter what happens…I don’t want to love this child any less than my other two.

So, we are at 5 weeks now, at 7 weeks I’ll see my OB/GYN for an ultrasound to see what’s going on. This pregnancy feels COMPLETELY different than the last two. Anyone want to place bets on twins? I have never gotten morning sickness in the past and I have been violently ill a few days in the past 2 weeks (I know that is not a lot). I have just “felt” pregnant, VERY tired and taking 2 naps a day. I am SO THANKFUL that we are pregnant and honestly it DOES ease some of the pain over the past 20+ months.

Well, I just called and broke up with my IF doctor. It was awkward and now I am having second thoughts. Basically, they do blood work every other day until I get to 6 weeks to make sure my numbers are doubling, which means the pregnancy is viable. I believe it is unnecessary. If my numbers are not doubling and I miscarry, there is nothing they can do. I hate to put that so bluntly, but that is what it boils down to.

I called and the nurse was flabbergasted and offended. I have found that at this IF doctor, they don’t really look at the person as much as the numbers and following procedures. I had to tell her 3 times that I didn’t think it was necessary to continue with blood work and then she finally got it…”You just want to be done with us and go to your OB/GYN,” almost like I was a spoiled brat and I was getting away with something. It was extremely awkward as if no one has ever done that before. I know they are the professionals…but they did not convince me that blood work every other day was medically necessary.

She said, that they do this blood work so that they don’t send me to my OB/GYN with a bad pregnancy. I’m not quite sure what that means…I almost told her that I would carry any baby, good OR bad (weird). I do know there are chances of eptopic pregnancies, I guess that is the only thing that scares me at this point…but I think I would know by now if I had an eptopic. Right?

Well, for those of you who have been tracking and counting days since our last IUI procedure…we found out officially on Monday that we are pregnant! Baby Tres is due August 15th end of July around 36 weeks. I can’t even begin to explain how I elated I am.

I took a test on Friday and it was positive, I called the doctor to see if I would still be getting a false positive due to the IUI meds I was on and she said that more than likely all those drugs are out of my system. I took a test on Saturday and it was positive. I took a test on Sunday, it was positive. I might say I was in a little bit of denial. Monday, I did blood tests and my HCG numbers were 147. Today they were 350, so yes it is official. They want to continue bloodwork for a few weeks. I think that is bizarre. If the numbers stop doubling…then there is nothing they can do about it…why all the unnecessary testing?

We are 4 weeks along, very early. I keep justifying to myself why we are telling everyone early. My friend put it right when she said, “If I lose another child, people are going to need to know why I went crazy again anyways.” Also, I knew some of you were wondering…no use waiting! And of course…I am crazy excited and elated and completely freaked out.

I think I have felt every emotion every minute of every day since we found out. I can go from complete joy to rock bottom thinking about my son and how my newly pregnant body feels the way I felt 2 days after he died. Knowing all of the medical things that can happen to your child, and actually knowing families who have lost children in all of those horrible ways…sucks all the naivety out of a pregnancy.

We told Lindy. She was an absolute doll when we found out. Her eyes got as big as saucers and she pulled my jacket away to look at my belly and touch it. She was all joy and excitement. She kept saying “FINALLY, YOU HAVE A BABY IN YOUR BELLY!” We were cautious in telling her that not all babies live, just like baby Everett. She took that well and immediately asked to pray. She prayed that “the new baby, that he or she would live and would eat and play with her.” Broke my heart and yet hearing her prayer, so innocent, is what I am honestly praying in my head too. We talked about how big the baby was -the size of a piece of rice (thats what we had sitting in front of us) and she kept patting my belly. She has named the baby Kellyn, Milo, and Rosie. I keep asking Dale if it was good to tell her so early…she hasn’t stopped talking about it.

Thank you Lord for hearing our prayers and ALL of those who have been praying on behalf of us.

I am blessed that you have helped give me 2 beautiful children. I am cursed because you aren’t going out of your way to make a baby. I have ALWAYS thought that my family was fertile, that I would never have a problem. Nope. Not the case. We don’t know if YOU are to blame, I am told you are “perfect” but per my therapist, I am speaking to you to vent a little bit of internal anger that I have. Sounds crazy, I know. I am desperate and I feel she is right. I am harboring a lot of inner anger towards you.

borrowed from iheartguts.com

I wish I would have made a WISE choice back in 2006 when we were gutting, remodeling and moving into our new house. My doctor told me to relax. Stay in bed over the weekend. You know what I did? I planned a moving party and we moved into our new house. Talk about stress. Talk about HIGH blood pressure the week after. And of course how I had to be induced at week 37 because of the blood pressure. How I had to go on magnesium -THAT IS THE WORST STUFF EVER. I told my doctor that I’d rather take a chance at a seizure than to go on mag again. 3 days of labor and needless to say, emergency C-section #1 gave me sweet little Lindy and the trauma of her being life-flighted an hour away. Well, uterus, I’ll take the blame on that one. You might have been A-OK had we made it to 40 weeks and not had to do a c-section. Then with my second pregnancy with Everett, my doctors and I were planning a VBAC. I was hoping and praying and daydreaming that I could have that experience of labor and get to birth him the way I have idolized. We know how that ended. Something happened my dear uterus that caused the placenta to pull away from you. I don’t know what happened.

So, this letter is four-fold. One, I forgive you for never being able to give birth the way I want. Two, I forgive you for not holding on to that placenta (and repeat because that was hard to say and I don’t really mean it yet). Three, I forgive MY body for not working correctly and battling IF. Four, uterus, help me out and lets make another brilliant, beautiful, child.

P.S. It could be worse right? I don’t want to complain, I’m just trying to get some of this negative energy out of my lower extremities. I have heard of placental abruptions causing complete hysterectomies! Can you imagine had I woken up to my son having died AND that they had to remove all of my baby parts?!