Dear Pancreas,

Ya know, you did your job really well for 21 years and I am thankful for that. I am glad that you malfunctioned AFTER I was already an adult. It would have been difficult being diagnosed as a child and I wouldn’t have wanted that for my parents. Pretty unfortunate though that you got my attention just a few months into my marriage, at least I found out early and not a year later.

I’ve NEVER been angry or called myself a victim because of what you have brought me. I can handle this diabetes thing and we can get through it together, I’ll work with you and we can be a good team. I AM angry with you, because you don’t work correctly, I am labeled “high risk.” That means, even though I am a “good” diabetic and control my sugars AMAZINGLY well, diabetes has a bag of risks that it likes to carry around. Who knows if you are the ultimate cause of 2 traumatic childbirths, but I do feel guilty sometimes that it had to do with our teamwork.

I am going to forgive you for giving up and not working correctly. I have to speak it to feel it…maybe by the time I say it 100 times I’ll actually feel it. Biggest thing I will try to forgive you for is never ultimately allowing me to have a birth of a child like any other TLC mother whose water breaks at home and huff and puff all the way to the hospital to push for a few hours, have the baby pop out, and the baby is placed on your breast 2 minutes later. Someday, if/when I get pregnant again, I will have a scheduled c-section, be strapped down, and not get that romantic holding of my baby like I always envisioned and I ultimately blame you. Looking at the big picture, you’d think that would be my smallest concern, but I just had to let you know how I REALLY feel about you.

You are UGLY but I respect you for what you do in my body, even though you aren’t working at 100%.

Thank you pancreas for pumping a LITTLE insulin into my body right now and not just taking up space. I’ll take care of you and lets do this life together -now that the air is cleared.

If you get a chance, can you send some good vibes down to my uterus? I’ll be sending her a letter next.

Thanks dear IRL (in real life) friends and my other new friends (and apologies to those who might have clicked on one of the links by someone I thought was legit but linked to some pretty naked stuff!!).

I know my last post was pretty depressing; wow it was a ROUGH couple of days. I heard a few people were worried about us…I guess I’m not sure what that means…my IRL friends know that I would NEVER start a destructive habit like I mentioned. It was said tongue in cheek and I know I shouldn’t say those things in jest, but that is what low is. That is how low feels.

Unexpected things happened last week and I was just dealing with A LOT of emotions and it all RAINED on the same day. ugh.

It probably doesn’t help that we as a family are dealing with 3 different things in our life. Infertility, Dale being in a very intense grad school program, and of course the grief of our son. I know everyone has something going on, something that is a thorn in their side. It has been a LONG 20 months and I don’t see the end in sight. That is the hard part.

In my very best intentions I want to praise God in those moments but sometimes the sadness is overwhelming. I was reminded by my dear FIL who sent a very sweet e-mail after talking with us. I thought I’d share.

Peter’s encouragement is to reflect on the blessings we have in Christ: (I:3-5) a living hope, an incorruptible inheritance reserved for us, and that we are kept by the power of God through it all. Then he encourages them with vs 6-8: the trying of your faith (v 7) is more precious than gold and it is to be to the praise, and honor, and glory of Christ at His appearing, and two times he encourages them to rejoice (v 6 and 8). Paul, in Rom 8:18 writes, the suffering of these days are not to be compared with the glory that is coming.

And a shout out to Dale. He sent me gorgeous flowers that day. A special surprise. You know you have a good husband when he sends you flowers the day your period starts.

We have decided to continue with another IUI this month. It caught me off guard how quickly we had to decide what our next steps were…literally, Day 2 and I was back in the IF office to discuss next steps. Second ultrasound on Thursday and then IUI before Thanksgiving.

Only redeeming quality today is that two fabulous baby boys were born and their parents are NOT strangers!! Congratulations to Hilary & Matt for bringing baby Miles into the world and to Megan and Brian for bringing little baby Jacob. wow. 2 in one day. amazing. Both have dealt with infertility and loss and now look at ‘em!!

And that failed. Happy Monday to me. My body didn’t even ENTERTAIN the idea of a baby. Day 28 and BAM, just like clockwork.

This is what I feel like:

First IUI cycle failed as of today. The ONE option the IF doctors gave us and it did not work. Pretty much our only option financially and since “there really isn’t a reason as to why we can’t get pregnant” and “we’ve already had 2 kids” we probably shouldn’t be throwing the ONLY money we have into the wind by just guessing at treatment options.

And now I won’t have a baby in my arms by end of summer next year. 2010 is a complete waste and 2011 is getting there. Lindy will be five before she ever even has a chance at a sibling.

I think I should start a destructive habit. Eating disorder, cocaine, max out a few credit cards. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I feel like that is the ONLY thing I can control.

What a crummy crummy day.

All I’ve been doing is whining to God and to friends. Might just be that kind of week.

I just don’t get it.

Visiting a pumpkin farm is an annual tradition for the three of us, luckily this year, we were invited to a free event and didn’t have to pay a cent for all the games, hay rides, or food! We enjoyed the hayride, the petting zoo, and the s’mores. And I convinced Dale to take the night off as well. He hasn’t had a “day off” in a LONG time, so it was nice just spending time together and I’m sure nice for him to not have to think about work or school or homework or internship hours or church.

I had a WHOLE blog post ready to go after our IUI procedure a week and a half ago and Dale talked me out of posting it. For the life of me, I cannot remember why….Anyways, we are playing the monthly waiting game, wondering what the test results will say. I really must say, I surprisingly have quite a bit of hope…EVERY month. It must be God OR I am in such deep denial…Even when I entertain the thought that I could be pregnant, anxiety just creeps in slowly and I think about everything that could go wrong…now that I KNOW all of those 1% statistics out there. I’m amazed at how many people confuse IUI for IVF, over half the people we told, thought we were talking about IVF. nope. Not the same. I’d educate you, but just google it.

Well, spontaneity is out the window here, I’m an open book…I’m sure we’ll have answers soon for this month.

In other news…Lindy was supposed to be having “rest time” in her room. I came upstairs and found…this WALL. Yes, can you tell how many things she used in her wall? She pulled EVERYTHING out of her dresser. It took me 3 days to find the strength to clean that mess up.

And the fun addition to the family, Bentley Zoomeroni…she is such a people cat. ALWAYS has to be near one of us.

What’s that you say? You see my PIANO!!!!???? My childhood piano has made its way from Texas all the way to my house. You might have read my last blog on the drama around the piano…but it is here! I can’t WAIT to start teaching Lindy how to play and to brush up my skills. First, it must be tuned. I tried to play a few worship songs and the tune was so bad…I couldn’t even find the correct note to the song by playing the cords.