Well. One year this week. We have officially joined the infertility club. wow. What do I even say?

After Everett died, the doctors said we should wait a year, we talked them down to 9 months and we’ve been ACTIVELY trying ever since.

I keep asking myself, what have the past 27 months of my life been about? Yes, I know, a mom to Lindy, wife to Dale but what good could possibly come out of losing my son AND longing for another child so deeply it hurts.

We’ve had some people ask us why we weren’t moving forward with testing sooner. Honestly, I had this sense from God that we were to wait. I don’t know why or how long but it was CLEAR that we were to wait. God shut the door TWICE. SLAMMED the door rather on Dale and I as we were starting the testing stuff a few months back. wow. I listened. Then. He opened the door this past week.

We have decided to move forward with infertility testing. I’m scared, sad, and deeply disappointed that we even have to make those calls. We’ll start with square one and see what happens. Maybe the HSG test will clean me out and get me preggers the next month. Maybe all I need it to MAKE the call and we’ll get pregnant that month. I have no idea what all the infertility terms are. I need a dictionary to understand all the acronyms. Yes, we’ve tried “relaxing”, we stopped “thinking about it”. It’s funny how so many people think that saying that to my face is going to help.

I just want my Everett.

Then I think that even if I had my Everett, we’d probably be trying for ANOTHER baby at this point…We’ve tried hard to not waste brain cells on the “what ifs” in life but it is easier said than done.

I do feel I have been in some sort of denial phase. Just one more month. Let’s just try again. I have had lots of hope, and surprisingly, I still have a lot more hope. I could probably go another 6 months of TTC (trying to conceive) with more hope to spare, but lets be honest. Something is NOT working right.

People continuously keep telling me, and I don’t know why (!), that maybe God just wants us to have 2 children. I have a very very hard time accepting that and honestly I am not at a point where I am okay with that AT ALL. Yes, maybe I’m greedy but I do feel God has given me this desire to be a mom and to have a houseful of kids. I believe HE will give me more children. It is so hard waiting though.

This blog is about adventures…well, here we go “officially” on the infertility adventure.

So as we’ve been preparing for Dale to go back to grad school and no consistent income for the next three years, we have been adjusting our budget to try and crunch numbers as best as we can. We’ve had our budget and have worked on it for the past six years -very religiously. We look at the budget at least 2 times a week to make sure we are on track. 9.5 times out of 10, we are over our budget halfway through the month. Taking from savings is a big NO NO, but sometimes we borrow and then try to dig ourselves out of the “debt” of owing our savings. We put all the money back into savings and then we start over again. Fun cycle hugh?

This month, we have decided to make a huge change in our budget and that is looking at our grocery budget. We were spending hundreds of dollars on groceries (not including eating out) and not really being held accountable at a certain limit. SO. This month. 15 Dollars a Day to feed 4 people. Me, Dale, Lindy, and the tenant in the attic.

I LOVE a good challenge and couldn’t wait until August 1st started. As we got closer and closer to August 1st, I was depleting the items in the freezer and pantry -down to nothing. I didn’t want to go buy more food because then we’d start out the month in the negative. Luckily, we received an extra $50 in the mail so Dale and I decided to “stock up” the day before the month started so that we could accrue enough money over the first few days in August for a shopping trip.

I do not use cash on these trips, I use my debit card, so the money is IN my account, I just don’t want to mess with $15 in 31 envelopes! I keep a running tally in my head each day. If I spend money, I write the remaining balance on that day so I know what I have leftover to add to the next day. Since we look at the budget at least 2 times a week, we both have a pretty good idea of what our numbers are.

I have found that stocking up at LEAST twice a month is essential. As I got halfway through the month, I was out of the basics like peanut butter, napkins, dog food, butter, laundry detergent. You can imagine that those items cost…MORE than $15…leaving me no money for food for that day. I think this next month, we will set aside $50 for the day before the month and $50 for halfway through to help with stocking up when everything is depleted.

I am a big menu planner. I save more money and more time by planning menus out and taking one big shopping trip. This $15 a day venture only allows me to plan out 2-3 days at a time, which is not what I’m used to, but I have managed.

To be honest, we are very optimistic about this adventure and looking forward to trying it another month. For the first time in seven years, we have not spent our entire grocery budget halfway through the month!

I have $30 for tomorrow (today and tomorrow’s money) -looking forward to spending it!

People keep asking me how it is going; wondering if I use cash, how I keep track of the money accruing or if I have to shop everyday. One month down, we’ll see how September goes.

Do you do anything similar?

I am CRAZY about back to school. I LOVE IT. The crisp fall air, the new backpack, the fancy new school outfit, the clean lunch box, the feeling that you can conquer the world. Luckily, we have one person going back to school this year and I can live vicariously through him. Yesterday, the weather seemed to even cooperate with going back to school, you could almost smell fall in the air.

I convinced (rather forced) Dale that he needed a new shirt and some new paper (at least) for his classes. I secretly think he felt more empowered with that new shirt.

I’ve been telling Lindy that when Dale started school, the seasons would switch to Fall. Yesterday as we sent Dale off, Lindy looked at me and said, “mommy, is it FALL NOW!?” yes, yes it is.

Lots of people have been asking me about Lindy going to school. We looked at a school and both felt that it would be best for Lindy to stay home with me for at least this year. She already knew a lot of the curriculum of that school and she gets social time with other kids and teachers about 3 times a week through our church. Maybe we’ll put her in preschool next year, but I’m not too concerned. At least one more year with mommy. As my friend says, “They’ll be in school for the rest of their lives” why rush?

School, cider, wood stove, leaves, pumpkins, hayride, petting zoo, pumpkin bread, school crosswalks working again (don’t forget!), jackets, cinnamon, turkey…

What words would YOU use to describe fall?

Well, HOW long did it take me to write 14 days worth? 21?! Well, today marks the official 14th day of my speaking joy series.

Secretly, I thought MAYBE I could speak SO MUCH joy, I’d wake up with a positive pregnancy test.

Well, not this month.

I still want to choose joy and continue to speak it.

I have joy in my heart because of my relationship with Christ. In the past 17 months, I’ve had a hard time communicating with God and working out my anger.

In the past month, I have sensed a burden lifted and a calm upon my spirit, just basking in the love of God -even though things don’t go my way. Today I sat in church and thought to myself, “who am I, that I think my ways are the best?”

I have joy that of ALL the religions in the WORLD, we worship the only Saviour that ROSE from the dead. No other religion has a being that is still living! I have joy knowing that He is alive and living in me. I have joy that He still speaks to me, even when I am not actively listening or pursuing Him. His Holy Spirit still speaks to my soul and leads me, encourages me. I have joy that the Bible is full of the TRUE living Words and that Jesus lived out those words and modeled them for us.

I have joy that He has chosen ME to follow Him and serve Him on this earth. Speak Lord, I am listening and I want to obey.

My oldest sister also brings me joy and she and her family have made the decision to move CLOSER to family -that includes me! How JOYOUS is that?! We have been talking for years now about moving closer to each other and they are taking it for the team. I am elated that our children can grow up together, we can go to birthday parties, we can go down for the weekend just for fun. Now to get April to move at least to the U.S. again. ha.

Liz and I are a lot alike. I have followed in her footsteps numerous times in my life. I chose her alma mater for school, packed up my life and moved to the big city of Chicago. Lived with her for a summer in a studio apartment and we both worked at the fabulous Bubba Gump Shrimp Restaurant on Navy Pier.

I pretty much carry her around in my back pocket and anytime I need her, I call. She is my constant, spell checker, cover letter approver, basically life coach. Ever heard of those? I’ve always wanted one and she is FREE!

I am proud of Liz. She is the first generation homecoming queen (tee hee), first generation college student, first generation triathelete (sp?), first generation to climb up the ladder to an executive position and I’m sure she’ll pave more roads.

I know if I needed Liz at my doorstep within a day, she would do it and she has before. Twice.

I’m glad to see that we parent in similar ways and it brings me joy to share each other’s stories and trade advice.

I love you Liz and you are my best friend!