I think God has changed in the past year. He has decided that it was time for a change and wanted to do some things differently; maybe He was restless and wanted to mess with me, but He has changed a lot.

Actually, I know He hasn’t but I’ve caught myself jokingly saying that to a few friends this week.

MY views on God have changed like the wind in this past year. Depending on the day, the expiration date on the milk in the fridge, and which way the fish in my fishtank are swimming, you could get roughly 4-10 different answers about God’s sovereignty in my life this past year.

It’s one thing to have all the “head” knowledge about God. The book smarts.

Its different when you are thrown into the street and trying to connect the dots in your head to your feet down below. I know all the cliché Bible answers about God and I’ve grown up memorizing verses and studying the Word of God. I am thankful for those moments because when everything hits the fan, you gotta TRUST that same God. HE DOESN’T CHANGE.

If you believe in God, then you’ve probably had this “picture” in your mind about who He is, what He looks like, and how He cares for you on a daily basis. I did up until March 1st, 2009 and then SMACK. I couldn’t see my God in the same way. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I STILL feel that way today. My mind knows all the right answers but the heart is having a hard time connecting the two.

Yes, He is still my Lord and Saviour and I know I won’t have answers as to why He “allowed” my son to die, at least not on this side of Heaven but sometimes I wish He could just come down and sit with me, hold my hand and say its gonna be okay. Luckily, He sends friends along that’ll do that work for Him.

The head and heart thing is difficult and I am stuck. I am hoping for some divine intervention soon. I am resting on HIS promises in the meantime.

“To bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:3a

Maybe you have felt something similar? That your views on God have changed? Maybe it was a major crisis in your life? Your health? Death of a loved one?

Hold strong to that foundation of God that you know in your head and I believe eventually the heart will catch up.

Grandma Harris
Dale’s grandma died on Tuesday this past week. At 91 years old, she went to sleep and woke up in Heaven. We were able to adjust our schedule to make it to the viewing and funeral. Dale’s oldest brother from Erie joined us as we drove the ten hours to Illinois. Every single family member was accounted for minus two spouses. It was amazing to see everyone together again. It wasn’t the best time to play games and goof off with the siblings but we enjoyed everyone’s company. We are glad we were able to be there with Dale’s parents during this time.

This was the first funeral we went to since Everett and I must say that it was hard for both of us. A mixture of emotions but all of them wrapped up our son Everett. You see, Grandma Harris was married to Everett (Pete) Harris our son’s namesake and when she died, she was ushered into Heaven and got to see her husband AND meet our son. I am so jealous.

When I think of Ev as a perfect being in Heaven, I envision him as a 7 year old little boy, curly blonde hair and blue eyes. All I could think about was her meeting my son at the Gates of Heaven, arms wide open, giving him a hug from “mom,” Wishing Grandma knew more about me and what I’m like so that she could “relay” my love to him. Goodbye Grandma Harris -say hello to Everett for me and tell him the GOOD stories about his daddy.

AE and ME
Two months ago, my former boss and friend at American Eagle Corporate offered me a temporary job to start in January. Dale and I discussed for weeks and decided that it would be a good decision to accept the job. I want to always keep the door open with AE because I love the company and the people that I worked with. Would entertain any job offers they give me if they are flexible and part time.

My biggest concern was leaving my baby girl after I just spent a year at home with her. This was our plan for me to be a stay at home mom and I just now felt like things were starting to come together in the past month. After some wise counsel, I felt at ease that the job was so temporary, it would not cause problems with Lindy. I started to get cold feet this past week, soaking up every moment with Lindy while I could. Of course, I have no concerns about her being with my dear friends who are taking care of her again.

I started training this week and again it was mixed with a lot of emotions. The only way I can describe it is that I cannot account for a year of my life, it just feels lost in time. It has been almost a year since I left AE and walking back into the doors to work and see everybody again was WEIRD. Almost like going back to college after a bunch of years and everyone else is the same but you. I had waves of emotions creep up on me. When I saw the flatbread sandwiches in the cafe, the mango juice I drank everyday when I was pregnant with Everett, my old desk, all of my friends in the department, even making my e-mail signature. It was bittersweet.

When I left the company, I could probably name 90% of the people at Corporate due to the trainings I held and the new hires I worked with. I joked that I practically owned the place. Walking in now was VERY hard because I no longer “own” it.

The girl that is training me is 36 weeks pregnant which adds an odd twist. I’m with her 100% of the day and all I can think about is what I was doing this time last year at 36 weeks pregnant. I can’t help but be totally worried for her and jealous for her at the same time but today was my third day and I am already feeling better. Getting into a new groove. I’ll work one day a week until she has the baby, due in later February.

I kept getting e-mails today saying “Is this really Hannah Harris?” Ha. That made my day. One totally random person said she was thinking of me and praying for me still. I appreciated that.

Grad School
Other things that we do in January include creating a 50 page portfolio for Dale and applying for grad schools. Thanks to the help of Liz + Kavan, we were able to complete the beautiful portfolio in 2 days and get everything sent in on time for grad schools. Great news we received yesterday is that Carnegie Mellon has decided to interview Dale!!! yay! The biggest obstacle we see is Dale’s undergraduate school not being accredited and now no longer exists. What a mess. Pray that these schools can look beyond that and see how talented he is!

Lindy Lou
Lindy is doing amazing. Talking nonstop and asking so many questions. Biggest question this week is “why did the earth shake” in Haiti. That is a hard one to answer.

She loves Thomas the Train, drinking soymilk, playing computer games, saying “mommy, momma, mom, mommy, nonstop, coloring pictures by not leaving any white space on the picture and using one color, taking pictures, getting mail, her tent that fits over her bed, playing school with mom, clubs class at church, dancing, and riding her dog Indiana.

She does not like eating and would rather drink milk for all of her meals, going to bed, waking up to someone other than mom, sitting still, and hurrying outside in the cold weather.

I cried myself to sleep the other night, it wasn’t really out of sadness but out of fondness of people that God has put into our lives. I was thinking of all the special people that were with us during the hardest week of our life. A lot of those hours were foggy in my head but I below are some of the thing I remember. I don’t mean to exclude anyone, MANY of you were there in the room and MANY were praying around the world. As I replay many of the moments in my head, I think of certain things and wanted to recap those here.

I remember lying in the hospital and wanting people to just be there with us. Sit in the grief with us. Cry with us. Nothing had to be said. Just be. I’m sure a lot of people avoid those types of situations because you never really know what to say. If you take anything away from this blog today, GO. ASK QUESTIONS. LISTEN. JUST BE with those people who have just suffered a loss.

I constantly tell my friends that I’d rather them ask me questions than ignore the elephant in the room. I am thinking about my son 24/7, so you bringing him up is not going to send me over the edge. I want you to ask.

Within 2 hours of Everett being born at 12:17am, 3 of our small group friends were in the room with us. I barely remember what was said or done, they must have sat there for 2 hours. Hilaly, Matt, and Jon came at the most intense time of the morning -just hours after our baby was stillborn. We had been praying for his health and mine for MONTHS and the shock was unimaginable. I asked Hilary to design what we now call Everett’s Stationery. It was beautiful. We asked Matt and Macho to photograph everything and they did -beautifully.

I was thinking of Mark. Someone called him “part of the woodwork.” Mark was in our room with us 24 hours a day for at LEAST 3 days straight. We needed that “constant” and Mark was it. I don’t even think he went to work. Mark, did you go to work? He would sit in a chair in the hospital room and just be with us. Nothing had to be said. If we needed something, he would do it for us or find someone to do it. He basically ran all the details of Everett’s funeral. We didn’t have to think of anything. Just a short meeting with Mark and Norma about the third day to finalize the details. They did all the hard work.

Dave and Pat came to visit. I remember Pat coming over and crying with me. I felt like you had something in your hand that you gave to me but I can’t remember what it was. (Maybe it seems you never come empty handed, you ALWAYS have something in your hand to give to me…). I remember all of us being disappointed that you couldn’t make the funeral because you were going to be out of town. Dave hung out a few days at the hospital in the waiting room -not even in the room. Again, it was VERY comforting to have you nearby.

I remember maybe the 2nd day in the hospital, the room was getting crowded with family and friends and we were deciding to go down to the cafe to eat except my food was just delivered to the room. I REALLY wanted to go downstairs with the 10 people and my mother and I were bickering over wasting the food on my tray. I ‘blew up” at mom saying “who cares about this food?, I want to go downstairs.” I had to apologize later.

Norma traveled around the tri-state area (not really, but I’m sure it was a lot of miles) to find a cemetery. She reported back to us later that day with our options. Norma and Mark were a team with the funeral arrangements.

We called my oldest sister Liz about 34 times that night but to no avail. Come to find out, she thought it was their new alarm clock that kept going off. She knew the moment she looked at her phone finally that something was wrong. She and my mom caught a flight to Pittsburgh THAT day and were there by bedtime. Mom laid by my bed all night and pushed my narcotics button every 7 minutes. nice hugh? ha. Dale was literally WASTED on the other bed due to a sinus infection that came on full force. He slept for 14 hours straight. At one point, I had to sit up and demand that he eat and drink something. Later he had to drive to his doctor to get meds by himself…the nurse took one look at him, Dale told her everything, she handed him some samples and said, “go, you don’t need to be here.” One of the kindest things she could have done.

My sister April flew in and it was a relief to have someone be the “go-between” with Lindy now. April had to find someone to be with HER kids because her husband Justin was out of state on training, so that was a huge hurdle, but with the help of some frequent flier miles donated from a generous friend, April made her way to Pittsburgh.

We wanted to keep Lindy in an environment she was comfortable with, so she stayed with our friend Lynn for those days. Lynn was so gracious to come to the hospital that night to pick up Lindy.

Mom, Liz, and April kept checking in on Lindy for us. Found out she had a double ear infection, sinus infection. They took her to the doctor and got her some meds.

I think all of our bodies just went into shock.

Kavan was able to get out of school for a few days (highly unheard of!) to come be with us. Another person to comfort and distract Dale but also nice to know my sister Liz was comforted by her best friend.

I know Annie came to visit, you held Everett right? I don’t remember anything else.

Jon and Jess came and sat by our bedside for a few hours. I can’t quite remember where Jon and Dale were, but Jess was by my side for hours. I remember having to undress or use a bedpan or something while she was there and the instant I felt mortified that she was there was the same instant I threw modesty out the window and said, “who cares!” I’m sure it was hard for Jess to be there, being pregnant herself. I don’t know what we talked about or how long they were there, but again, a comfort that they were by our sides, literally.

Dale’s family was finally about to trickle in. Dale’s parents drove in and were there maybe that second or third night? Again, sitting in the room with us, just being. Doug and Tracy came down and visited for a while. I remember Grandma Harris reading Lindy books while she was there and we accidentally deleted the video of her reading Lindy a book. We were distraught.

Rich, Scott, and Diane flew into town and were able to be here for the homecoming. They were all able to leave work, kids and their lives to come be with us. We were honored that every immediate family member was able to make it here for our son’s funeral. Rich brought gifts from his children for Lindy -small tokens of love.

I remember them all singing songs in the dining room with my guitar. I remember wanting to “play” with everyone because it was like this BIG family reunion and I didn’t want to miss out on it…then reality set in and I remember just going to bed over sheer emotional exhaustion. Dale on the other hand NEEDED that distraction of playing with friends. Bobby and Mindy drove in and definitely distracted Dale in a good way. Bobby having lost HIS son a year earlier, was able to comfort us in a way that no one else could. He had walked that path and it was a blessing to us to have him near.

All these people coming in and I have NO IDEA how everyone got here and all the logistics. I know that our dear friend Jane chauffeured quite a few people and numerous others joined in the effort. I remember asking Dale, “who is handling all these details?!!!” And it was always somebody new.

My Father, brother, and Uncle all flew in and hung out with us at our house.

Our dear friend Megan drove 12 hours with her 4 month son to be with us. Poor thing. I can’t even imagine driving that long with a child. I’m sure there was hours of crying from both of them. She drove that whole way for maybe 1 full day and then drove home. It meant a lot that she came. We did make a pretty crazy mistake though on the night of the funeral when I was instructed to get in Megan’s car to drive to Primanti’s with the rest of the family. Didn’t even cross my mind that she had a 4 month old in the backseat. I think he cried 8 out of the 15 minute drive. Megan was mortified, my mother was in the backseat trying to make the kid stop crying and I was sobbing in the front seat, ABOUT to get out of the car and walk. I hope that didn’t scar Megan for life -she left the next day.

Just some thoughts I wanted to get down on paper tonight -it has been on my heart all week. Thank yous never seem enough but thank you to the above people for all the good things you gave us above. Thank you to those reading who prayed, sent cards and gifts, and ask us how we are doing.

We are blessed to be a part of YOUR life.

We pray that God allows the death of our son to be used to glorify Him.

I am tired. I’m going to bed. Goodnight!

Yesterday was my baby Lindy’s 3rd birthday. wow. Where has time gone?

She woke up, came into our room and the first words out of her mouth were “Am I three now?!!!!”

She came down to her “requested” butterfly cake, balloons and wrapped gifts at the table. She was allowed to open 2 gifts in the morning and open the rest after daddy got home from work at 7pm. Talk about self-control. She looked at the presents patiently ALL day.

The three of us enjoyed blueberry muffins for breakfast and Lindy opened her 2 presents. My brother-in-laws parents (cute hugh?) bought her a kids digital camera -we exchanged it for a different one. Then I exchanged it again. I think we are going to return the third one. Kids digital cameras are NOT functional and no fun. Lindy is used to using our nice one so for her to get a kids one just wasn’t good enough. It was GREAT gift in theory but it just didn’t work in real life. I’m kind of bummed. I wanted her to have one. Thank you anyway Bettie and Jimmy.

We really didn’t do very much for the rest of the day to celebrate. We went to the church and helped some friends take down the Christmas decorations. She had her favorite meal for lunch, mac and cheese.

Daddy came home at 7pm and our friends Matt + Hilary joined us for some butterfly cake and presents.

Hilary whipped out this beautiful bag for Lindy -she made it in less than 3 hours.

It was an emotional day for both Dale and I, missing our son Everett. Our dream was to have children 2 years a part and to watch Lindy have her third birthday as an only child…that hurt a lot.

Baby #3 is still at least 9 months away if not a year at this rate -that timeline seems to be going SOOOO SLOWLY. I feel like everyone else (minus a few of you and you know who you are) is getting pregnant instantaneously. I don’t want to be bitter but every month that goes by is getting harder. It’ll be a year in March since we lost Everett and 2 years in June since we’ve been “trying” for another child. God. Make me fertile and make me fertile TODAY. grrrr…..pretty please?

We wanted a bigger family, we wanted Lindy to be a big sister and I didn’t want there to be 4 years between children.

I wish we had our son Everett with us.

Finally, the last day of our cruise. We didn’t realize that we could have sent our luggage to the airport ahead of us so we we headed off the boat with all our luggage at 9:30am to roam the streets of Miami until our 3pm flight. Now, this last day was almost as adventurous as the entire cruise and it only cost about $50. We asked our cab driver if he knew of a place that we could drop our luggage for the day. He recommended a hotel and drove us there.

We were approached by a couple of porters and we sheepishly asked if we could store our luggage there while we were hanging out at the beach. He leaned over and whispered, SURE, we just ask for $5 a bag and we’ll keep it here for you. I (Hannah) the skeptic looked at him and said, “this is totally legit?” He laughed and said yes. We proceeded to follow him into this BEAUTIFUL hotel and he asked the woman at the desk for a name of someone who had already checked out. I was given that new name and he said, there is a pool on the roof, showers, and beach deck chairs all for you “Miss Olin”. Ha!! We went to the beach and gave the lady our “name” and she gave us deck chairs, towels and an umbrella. It was very obvious that everyone was “in” on it because she winked at us. We found out later that her brother lives in Pittsburgh and she has attended our church!!

That was actually one of the more relaxing days that we had -I napped on the beach in my comfy chair and fed the seagulls. I think I’ve mentioned that I like animals right?

After our relaxing stay on the beach, we headed into Miami to a locals restaurant Las Olas Cafe -this was NOT your typical tourist place. They only spoke Spanish and I didn’t recognize anything on the menu besides rice. It was delicious. We had to get some change so we could tip the porters so we stopped at a little outdoor restaurant that had 30+ flavors of smoothies. We were told the price for a small was $7. Our jaws dropped open due to the cost but we HAD to make change so we bought one. I (Hannah) started sipping my new fruit smoothie, not really enjoying it. Something was wrong with it. Dale grabbed it -”um…it has alcohol in it Hannah, this is a margarita” Ha. We had a good laugh. My first drink and it was accidental. If I’m keeping tabs, I don’t consider that a real drink. I had 2 sips. Nasty to say the least. yuck. That $7 went down the sewer.

We headed back to the hotel with our change, showered on the roof near the pool, and gathered our belongings. It was a beautiful hotel -I highly recommend actually staying there -especially because of the customer service. It is called The Hotel of South Miami.

We made it to the airport just in time to find out that our flights were delayed for at least an hour and half due to weather in Atlanta. Wish we would have known earlier. We could have spent more time on the beach. We spent hours sitting on the Miami beach airport floor waiting for our flight. We were assured that all our connecting flights in Atlanta were more than likely delayed as well so we’d be able to catch them. ha. yeah right. We waited on the tarmac (sp) for yet another hour once we were loaded. Finally arriving in Atlanta, we called Delta the minute we touched the ground and tried to get seats on the next flight out. It took a 30 minute phone call while we were running to the next terminal to catch the flight we were trying to get seats on. We passed the Delta counter with hundreds of people waiting in line. We grinned as we ran past, still on the phone with Delta. yes! She got a seat….for Dale…She forgot to get ME a seat!! grrr….10 more minutes and Dale and I are standing at the desk asking the Delta woman if we were on the flight and the lady on the phone said, Yes, we were on! The lady at the desk said she’d put us on standby. I politely asked her to look in the system again -we were on!!!! The flight left in 15 minutes.

Needless to say, after our flight delays and craziness…we were ready for another cruise!

Another HOUR on the tarmac in Atlanta and we arrived home at 11:30 at night. Kudos to our friend Mark who came and picked us up and was on call the whole night. He even brought our dog to the airport.

Sadly, Lindy had to be put to bed after we’d already told her we’d see her after dinner. Our friends Matt and Hilary were patiently waiting for our arrival with Lindy and it just got too late. We arrived at their house and Lindy was sound asleep. She didn’t even know she was home with us until the next morning. We got some good pictures of us in bed. She was THRILLED to see us home and we were happy to have her in our arms.

So…if you are contemplating a cruise…we say yes! go for it!! And from what we saw…Royal Caribbean is much classier than Carnival (we saw our boats docked side by side and RC was clearly superior) and we’ve heard that Celebrity is classier than Royal Caribbean.

Things we wrote down to remember for our next cruise:
Take walkie talkies (cellphones don’t work)
Plan to tip your staff 2 nights before the end of your cruise (otherwise you have to use cash!)
If you don’t want to mess with luggage, send it to the airport early (look for the paperwork to do so)
Take more than one bathing suit