I don’t really know what to write anymore without bumming all of you out. The majority of the things I am thinking about at any one point in time is related to Everett.

I’ve gotten to the point on Saturday evenings, I don’t look at the clock anymore. I can’t help but imagine what was going on at 7:02pm on February 28th and wish with all my strength that I could rewind the clock. I’ve been staying up considerably late now that I am not pregnant and tired and that just keeps the clock ticking longer on Saturday night. I tried to crawl into bed before 11:45 last Saturday so that I wouldn’t have to think about our first moments in the hospital. If I am up past 11:45, then I think about the awful early morning hours when we lost our son.

I keep replaying the days events and trying to re-organize them or change them just slightly so that our baby Everett would still be here with us. Just driving past the bank today made me cry as 4 weeks ago, we were on a family outing to the bank just hours before this horrible nightmare began. I wonder if the MINUTE I felt labor pains, I had just packed up Lindy in the car and drove to the hospital, would that have changed anything? Did I have high blood sugars that day that just sent my body over the edge? Why hadn’t I been concerned that Everett had not kicked since 4:00? I am reminded of a passage from a book (good friends gave to us) that I am not God and I should stop trying to be God. I cannot change history.

A friend came over with dinner the other night and reminded us that our God is a God of LIFE. He created LIFE and then man made decisions that brought death into this world. Death was not God’s idea -he hates it. Because of sin, because of man’s sinful nature, we must endure THIS world and all the losses that it brings. The good news is that God loves us and wants to comfort us and bless us -even in the midst of loss. I know we cannot see that now; it is hard to understand why God would allow these things to happen. The why will not be answered until we join Him in heaven. I am not angry at God. I feel mostly numb right now.

I do not want to embrace bitterness and anger, or hold on to self-pity for the remainder of my life. I know God has better plans for us than that. He will walk with us through this valley and show us joy at the other side; but it will have to be a conscience decision for me to not be angry or bitter; as I go to the mall and every woman I see is pregnant and has 2 children (whether they look pregnant or not); as the newborn boy sits in front of us at church EVERY Sunday; as Lindy makes these very obscure random comments about Everett like today when she tried on a sweater and it was too small, so she said, “Let’s give it to baby Everett”; when I hear a baby cry and my body aches; when I see people and they avoid the topic of my son.

Again, we are overwhelmed by all of you who have sent your love in many different ways. We have had your cards tucked in a what we call the “Everett” keepsake box and decided to pull them out and surround ourselves in them. We truly believe that your prayers are keeping us afloat right now and giving us courage and strength to get up each day.

We went to our first doctor appointment today and our first reaction was that it was somewhat relieving that everyone knew about Everett and the moment we walked in, it was hugs all around. I had started to miss all the ladies in the office after seeing them twice a week.

The doctor explained that all the tests came back negative except for one which seemed too low for someone who was pregnant. The initial results showed that I was low on Protein S (I googled it but didn’t really get any good information). The lack of this protein is known to cause late term miscarriages/stillbirths. He proceeded to say that the results are really inconclusive and that I need to take the blood test again in 6 weeks. Either way, there is no reason to not try for more children -he said that we would just deliver the baby early no matter what. Obviously too early to be talking about that already.

He assured us that I was the “perfect patient” and this truly was just a catastrophic event. We couldn’t have done anything differently. Those words still just echo in my head, they haven’t sunk in yet. We keep replaying the events of the night over and over again -I know it’ll take the Lord’s peace to heal my heart of guilt and the nightmares of that night.

Dale stayed home today from work -not the best day on record, but we’ve had our moments of laughter today.

We finally did visit the cemetery last night. We have both been nervous about visiting, thinking that the family forgot about Everett or the hole was sunk in (I know, purely unreasonable thoughts). To our relief, everything was just fine. A small little spot for Everett -nothing out of place. It’s amazing how many unreasonable thoughts go through your mind when you think about your child in the ground. I know he is not cold or scared or hungry but those thoughts come every now and then.

Everett’s service was beautiful -perfect. The time we got to spend with Everett as a family of 4 before the service and after the service was precious -Lindy got to spend more time with her baby brother -she has been so ready to play with him. Hurts my heart with a pain I can’t describe. She is giggling above at his fingers.

Our dear friend Pastor Scott started the service for us. Reading Psalms 139: 13-18.

I cherish those belly moments so much more now. That was the only way I knew my son -kicking and squirming, exercising his lungs for this world. I got to see him so many times on ultrasound, his little heart beating perfectly, him sleeping, his chubby cheeks. I am jealous that God knew my son more than I could ever but am relieved that Everett is in the most perfect place, surrounded by angels.

Becki sang one of Lindy’s favorite songs, “His Eye is on the Sparrow” and Lindy sang along. It was beautiful.

Pastor Scott then gave the Eulogy -short and sweet. Everett was born on March 1st and died on March 1st. And by our request, came up with an acronym for his name which was like a soothing balm on my heart at the time but for the life of me, I cannot remember it.

Dale’s mother and sister then sang Lindy’s other favorite song. “How can I fear” by Ron Hamilton. An old Patch the Pirate song. Dale and I didn’t know that we both knew the song until I started singing it and Dale knew the harmony parts. Lindy calls it the shadow song.

Dale’s father gave a message on Salvation and life and how we as Christians need to make sure we are living for the Lord and those who are not, understand that Jesus is the ONLY way.

Pastor Rock ended the service with a benediction and our friends and family were then dismissed.

We can’t express how overwhelmed we were by the family and friends that came to support us and to give their love to Everett. We have been showered with love over the past 2 weeks from all of you whether near or far. I wish we could personally call each of you and thank you for your card or your call.

We rest on the assurance from the Lord that “Joy Will come in the morning,” and that we will see Everett again.

I was discharged from the hospital today -we took our time. A scarey feeling to leave the hospital and head home to reality. We had to stay longer at the hospital due to the fact I lost so much blood, I was very anemic. We had to do a blood transfusion yesterday which really brought my blood counts up -we were all very relieved.

It is hard to come home without our baby boy.

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers and words of love that you have been sending. We are overwhelmed by your love.

Love,

Dale + Hannah + Lindy

daleandhannah@yahoo.com

We sent out e-mail invitations for the Memorial Service -apologies if you did not receive one yet. You can view the invitation below.

Everett Lee Miles Harris Memorial Service