Yes, I'm in Therapy
March 26, 2010
Apparently, my last post was a little too intense; had about 80 people give me a hug and say “I’m praying for you,” concerned looks from acquaintances, and flowers delivered to my door. Thank you anyways to all of you for the kind e-mails and comments. It is friends like you and your prayers that have helped us get through this past year.
I probably shouldn’t have been THAT honest online, I might have to censor myself. ha. Yes, it was an emotional week for me and I posted when I was really angry at some circumstances; God is the only one who can heal me from my brokenness.
I had to post something else today so that you all didn’t think I jumped off the deep end.
Dale’s crazy 2 months of work are finally over and I get to see him more than 5 minutes a day.
This upcoming week is a big one for us, we will be making a decision that will change our life for the next 3 years. For those of you who didn’t know, Dale applied for grad school at Carnegie Mellon University and in the middle of one of his interviews, they accepted him for the program! We are so proud of him and are elated about the possibilities -but with that comes a gamut of uncertainties. We are praying for God’s wisdom, even though HE feels far away from us right now, we know that HE is in control and still guiding us. We must sign the paperwork by the end of the month.
Lindy has hit some weird thing now that she is three…she is starting to exercise her will more. oh wait…I think people call it something…the terrible threes?!!! It doesn’t help that she is absolutely brilliant and can reason better than me sometimes. ha.
We have been spending more time outside as the weather permits. Enjoying sidewalk chalk, the sandbox, and walks to the park. Today she finally mastered how to write I Love U with a heart representing the word love. We’ve been working on the letters individually and tonight she showed us how she could write the sentence-it was incredible.
We are trying to decide about preschool right now for Lindy. If we decide to send her to preschool, she would begin in the fall. Pros are the interactions with the teachers and students, cons are that she is going to be in school for the next 16 years of her life -why start early? I’ll never get to be *home with her ever again.
Speaking of being *home, I actually have been working for a while now. ha. I have been enjoying it; I have to keep telling myself that I am not looking for a job…no, I’m not looking for a job, no. I don’t want to work 9-5, I want to be home with Lindy. The woman I am covering for is expected back the first week in April, making my time at AE about a 10 week stay, I like these shorter, flexible work times but I am going to need more flexibility if I choose to work a little more. I would always consider a part-time job.
We have been trying to work on no pull-ups at nighttime. Our first run, we did 3 dry nights and then too many accidents to continue. We tried it again this past week and had 3 dry nights and then accidents in her bed and OUR bed. We were drying out mattresses all weekend and washing blankets and sheets galore. Needless to say, I went and bought more pull-ups. We’ll try again in a few months. She has been potty trained for over a year now during the day, but nighttime is a whole other game. You can see her using a random blanket below. I think her real blanket was in the laundry with all the other urine laundry.
Not Living the Dream
March 13, 2010
So, if you’re in a good mood, take your eyes elsewhere. I’ll probably regret posting this tonight but I had to vent. I’m going to go be selfish for a minute. I’ll just apologize now.
If you don’t want to hear me complain…go watch this video. Dale and I met dancing the Lindy Hop.
Dale has been working non-stop. Every Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday evening, Sunday morning, and then Monday through Friday getting home after 8pm. Did you catch that? He is usually home on Sunday afternoons, and evenings. That’s it.
Besides that, I am not pregnant this month. (We really do know how to do it. I promise).
AND this month is the month I should have celebrated my son’s first birthday with him smashing his face into a cake and Lindy running around the house like a banshee entertaining the guests. I could still be changing his diaper and nursing him, living “The Dream”…and yet…as weird as it is to say…we would be oblivious to pain that others have gone through.
My brother was admitted back into the Cancer unit in Texas and we were told he might not make it through the night. That was a rough night.
Everything above has been sneaking up on me for the past 2 months now.
It is odd that as we get further away from the deathiversary (yes, I just made up my own word) of Everett, I am emotionally not doing better. You’d think it would keep getting better but I feel like I am taking 18 steps backwards, every day month that goes by.
This past month, we took 12 pregnancy tests in the 14 days I was late. I know, crazy.
Heartbroken again this month and it is getting worse every month. I know another child will not make everything disappear, but seriously, I need some hope or a word from God because I’m just not content living every day just to get to my ovulation day and then holding my breath until we take a pregnancy test and then having a nightmare weekend re-living the fact that I don’t have my son.
Here’s the math that I keep doing. I should just put the calculator in my mind away. It is not helping anything.
It has been 6 months of trying 2 years of wanting another baby and at this rate, we will not have a child THIS year -making it 3 years of not having a baby in my arms. Yes, that is pretty much all I am thinking about now. My dead child and the fact that I won’t have another child in the near future. I can’t even FATHOM that fact that if we don’t get pregnant in the next 2 months…it’ll be 2 YEARS of waiting and 4 years between kids. This is not what I wanted.
I guess I’m going to have to start subscribing to both clubs, my child is dead AND I have thirdiary infertility.
I keep questioning Why? Why do I have to wait? What could be God’s reasoning to wait? Do I have some ugly disease just waiting to show itself? Do I need to confess some spiritual sin to my ladies small group? Because I haven’t opened my Bible in a year (besides the obligatory Bible studies)? Am I sooo only focused on a baby, God won’t give me one?
I know. I know. I know.
But seriously. Why do I have to wait?
Since I’ve been working, my house is a wreck, wait, I take that back. My house is still a wreck from when I was at HOME everyday with Lindy. My lovely other half and I, the one night he WAS home this week, got into it over items we could not find in the house. I’d like to say I am organized, but these days past year, not so much. Everything really gets put into perspective. Why do I need a clean craft closet? Who cares.
I haven’t really advertised all that much, but I have been working out religiously for 2 1/2 months now. I started out at 5 days a week at a gym and guess what!!!! NO WEIGHT LOSS. Just add that to my list. I have been sedentary for 2 years and for 3 months of my life, I run 2 miles, lift weights, and do all these amazing things and get nothing to show for it. Ho Hum. I thought I would at least lose 3 pounds?
Light at the end of the tunnel? Yes.
Dale’s job slows down AFTER this weekend, so no more depressing weekends all by my lonesome, wallowing in pity. I did some laundry tonight. I plan on organizing my craft closet that is spilling out onto the floor of my bedroom and I know my “care” is somewhere in the back of my mind and hopefully it’ll come back and whip me into shape. As for the weight loss, well, it is tempting to quit the gym, since OBVIOUSLY there is no use going but I won’t do that, I have some determination in me to continue. My brother had brain surgery and will hopefully be discharged this weekend.
I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders right now. So much going on. I just made myself tired. Maybe I’ll skip the laundry and go crawl into bed.
A Weekend of Good Memories
Thursday March 3, 2010
We've had a hard time saying it, but when people ask us about our weekend, we find ourselves saying that we had a very enjoyable time -a fun time. Surprisingly, we did. The last few posts I've lamented, I won't be lamenting as much in this post.
We did have our moments...walking into our hotel room and having a gift from dear friends in Pittsburgh just reminding us that they loved us; sitting down on February 28th at 12:17am, holding hands, and observing the birth and death of our son; Lindy telling me that she has plenty of "friends" to play with such as baby Gino and baby Kellyn. She didn't need a brother/sister; reading both my sister's blogs and their accounts of that night. NOT a good idea. I sobbed.
Dale and I decided that we are going to create a GOOD memory every year, whether it be a trip to the park to get ice cream or a hotel with a pool, we are going to attempt to make a good memory.
Well, our trip didn't start out SO hot. About an hour outside of Pittsburgh, my pump ran out of insulin. No big deal. I brought an extra vile, it was about 1/3 full -enough for our trip. I was driving, Dale was trying to put more insulin in my pump, I got impatient, he got angry and well...lets just say the car smelt like insulin for the next 3 hours as it was soaked into the upholstery of the car and NOT into my pump. Guess who didn't bring extra insulin? ME. yes, ME. Some of you might remember the insulin incident of aut 8? Well, needless to say, I didn't learn my lesson. Had to call a CVS somewhere in the middle of Ohio. Here's the other part of the story. I have about 8 vials of insulin in my refrigerator at home since I get them delivered to my house in the mail. So, insurance has covered me for another few months. We walked out of CVS in Ohio with a $124 vial of insulin that was not covered by my insurance.
A GREAT start to our trip.
Otherwise, our weekend away was nice for us to just be a family. Dale works A LOT so uninteruppted daddy/husband time is coveted. We love him so much and just enjoy being in his presence.
Lindy helped me pack her bag and she included 3 swimsuits and found every single pair of her underwear and packed them in her bag. no joke. She even dug through the clean clothes in the laundry bin and found 10 more pair to add to her suitcase.
I'm a little spoiled in the fact that I won't go to a hotel that doesn't have a pool. Why would anyone choose to NOT have a pool? We swam 4 times in the 2 days we were there. Lindy LOVED, LOVED it.
After we checked into the hotel on Saturday night, we started asking people what in the world was going on in Athens, Ohio that all the hotels were booked (the hotel we were at was not our first choice, but the others were booked solid). Do you know what was happening? An Equestrian show!! So, we packed up the car and drove 30 minutes out into the sticks and joined a group of people that I must say, I have never ever been a part of before in my life. It was a whole new world at this show. Between Lindy's attention span and Dale allergies to horse hair, we lasted about 30 minutes in the barn.
The last time we ran into horses, I made Dale jump in a hotel pool to clear his sinuses. This time, I just told him to shove his head out the window. It worked.
We enjoyed lunch at a local joint, The Diner. Filled to the brim with college students. We stuck out just a little but the food hit the spot. Greasy burgers and fries. yum.
From our delicious lunch, we skipped the nap and headed on to our second adventure of the day.... ROLLER SKATING!!! I was very surprised this place even existed, looked like it was barely surviving. It has been at least 15 years since Dale or I had gone roller skating.
We had some friends join us, Emilee and Sam, and we all relived our junior high moments again. Lindy didn't know what she was in for but jumped right in. She kept wanting me to let go of her. I on the other hand envisioned her falling and breaking her arm AGAIN or her neck or something crazy. I held on to her tight but she was roaring to go. She was actually pretty good at it.
More swimming at the hotel after a long, adventurous day. We were able to squeeze a 2 hour nap into the afternoon and of course the USA/CANADA hockey game.
Dinner that night was recommended by Emilee and we enjoyed some sushi and sashimi -delivered to us in a boat. We didn't even eat half of it -it was so filling. Afterwards, she came over to the hotel and put Lindy to bed while Dale and I went to a movie theatre and watched a movie. The movie got out at 12:00 so we sat on a bench together and waited until 12:17 then we drove back to the hotel.
The next morning, we crammed another swimming session into the schedule and then got onto the road to head home. The trip always seems a little longer going home.
When we got home, we headed straight to the cemetery and we found that our friends Matt + Hilary had plowed a path to the gravesite, uncovered the tombstone from probably 3 feet of snow and placed flowers and trinkets that my family had mailed to them over the past few weeks. It was so special to see it all there.
Dale picked up Indiana from our friends The Moon's who "tried out" a dog for the weekend. I was hoping they'd have a dog at their house by now...but I don't think it worked for now. Indiana seemed slightly depressed the day after -I he was smothered with so much love and then came home to us and was like...HEY, give me some ATTENTION!
The gravestone doesn't look SO bad in these pictures, I'm starting to just be okay with the design. Even though it looks as though you are shouting at me and his first name gets lost.
P.S. I don't know why, but in my last post, I kept referencing "innocence is bliss." I re-read the post today and rolled my eyes. I don't know why I kept putting "innocence." The term is "Ignorance is bliss." Anyone catch that?
One Year
Saturday February 27, 2010
Innocence is Bliss
Apparently, somebody was expecting an update this week. I noticed that quite a few people visited our website on Monday and then not as many on Tuesday and then Wednesday a few less. By Thursday, I think you all gave up on me. I felt guilty all week that I hadn't updated. I have been meaning to tell you how I feel...so hear goes.
I think it is true of what our friends who have lost a child have said...the days leading UP TO the angel date are the worst. Monday, all I could think about what this time last year. Playing in my mind over and over again, what I was doing this time last year. From the minute out of bed to the drive to the gym at 6:30 am, from the angry W-2 callers on the phone to the pathetic calls I get from associates whose lives are "damaged" because their manager gave them critical feedback.
Seriously people?
But ya know what, I've been in that spot before. It was nice being in that "innocence is bliss" stage (thanks Tina). We were just praying that my blood pressure wouldn't rise and that maybe just maybe we could do a VBAC and not have to do a cesarean. It didn't even cross our MINDS that Everett would die. Not once.
Yes, death and pain, we have tasted them but not to this extent and BAM. All innocence is gone, replaced by a little door of bitterness that you try to keep closed before it bleeds from your heart and everybody starts to run away before they get sucked into total despair. We were anticipating my baby boy to join our family, I had no clue what was up ahead, around the corner in our lives.
I am not recommending that people live in fear or stifled joy because bad things happen, no I think we can be sensitive to the pain in this world and yet still have peace from God and joy. I can't picture in my little brain ever having joy in losing my Everett but I pray that God would help me close that door on bitterness and encourage others who have suffered the trauma of losing a loved one. Everybody goes through something: death, physical health, divorce, abuse; I feel that my eyes have been opened and I think a few of our dearest friends and family would say the same. Do I want to go back to the time of Innocence is bliss? I don't think I do; but I would trade anything to just rewind to 4:00 on Saturday the 28th and make different, supernatural, choices.
Memories -one year ago
Saturday February 28th 2010, we were headed to Target after lunch to buy the last few things we needed to welcome baby Everett home. You see, Lindy was born 3 weeks early, about 4 days after we moved into our newly renovated house that still had no kitchen. I did not have a bag packed, the baby's room was in shambles...nothing was ready. We were going to be READY this time. The bag was packed. The Target run included buying Tylenol, buying some diapers, and baby lotion. On our way home, we had an appointment at the bank to start Lindy's college fund. As a repayment to a friend, he encouraged us to put money into a fund for our daughter, so that was the day. We opened an account and headed home for our much needed naps. Dale got up mid-nap to head to church work and Lindy and I continued our naps. I distinctly remember Everett kicking when I laid down for the nap. When I awoke, I don't know if I felt him, I wasn't even thinking about it, why would I?
You know how the story ends.
I remember my mom turned on the lamp in Everett's room the week that family was in town for the funeral and it meant SO MUCH to me to have "life" in that room. That light on meant so much, I can't even explain. We turned the light on in Everett's room this week. It has been on 24/7. It brings me comfort. We cleaned out the room today; it had about 9 loads of laundry in it. I hate to put laundry away. I think the crib is going to be disassembled this week.
Today at work, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness, just thinking that Friday was the day before. The day before my son died. ugh. It hurts my heart so much that I cannot hold him. I wish I could have held him longer. I look at the pictures and I can't remember those moments very clearly. I wish I could have kissed his little cheeks more.
Future
This weekend, we don't want to be home on Saturday. I don't want to count down the minutes determining what was going on then. So, we have booked a room The Hampton in Athens, Ohio. A random city where we know 2 people. The only thing we wanted was a pool, cable tv, and possibly a babysitter. We are set. We leave tomorrow afternoon and escape to a place where we can enjoy our time together as a family.
We tend to try and "create" a future for Everett by telling ourselves that "he'd be walking now" or "Lindy and him would be playing together."
I don't want to go there too often, I think those thoughts are harmful to me because they don't contain ways of having joy. It is ONLY negative and it will only ALWAYS be negative. There is never a time that I foresee those thoughts HELPING me in any way. That is a game in my thoughts I try to squash from the start. But it sure does hurt. I wonder what his little personality would be like?
I pray that God shows us grace as we trip through this pain and stumble all over each other.
I pray that God grants us mercy and gives us more children. As Lindy prays "Give mommy a baby....that works."
Thank you all for your prayers, your cards, and care packages. They bring us joy when we come home from a long day and see that you are thinking of us. The blue star that was purchased and named Everett, the lovely candles, the dinner out with friends, the free childcare so we can go out, the wreaths to lay on the tombstone...all special to us.
Happy birthday Everett," we wish you were here.
Thoughts on God
January 29th, 2010
I think God has changed in the past year. He has decided that it was time for a change and wanted to do some things differently; maybe He was restless and wanted to mess with me, but He has changed a lot.
Actually, I know He hasn’t but I’ve caught myself jokingly saying that to a few friends this week.
MY views on God have changed like the wind in this past year. Depending on the day, the expiration date on the milk in the fridge, and which way the fish in my fishtank are swimming, you could get roughly 4-10 different answers about God’s sovereignty in my life this past year.
It’s one thing to have all the “head” knowledge about God. The book smarts.
Its different when you are thrown into the street and trying to connect the dots in your head to your feet down below. I know all the cliché Bible answers about God and I’ve grown up memorizing verses and studying the Word of God. I am thankful for those moments because when everything hits the fan, you gotta TRUST that same God. HE DOESN’T CHANGE.
If you believe in God, then you’ve probably had this “picture” in your mind about who He is, what He looks like, and how He cares for you on a daily basis. I did up until March 1st, 2009 and then SMACK. I couldn’t see my God in the same way. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I STILL feel that way today. My mind knows all the right answers but the heart is having a hard time connecting the two.
Yes, He is still my Lord and Saviour and I know I won’t have answers as to why He “allowed” my son to die, at least not on this side of Heaven but sometimes I wish He could just come down and sit with me, hold my hand and say its gonna be okay. Luckily, He sends friends along that’ll do that work for Him.
The head and heart thing is difficult and I am stuck. I am hoping for some divine intervention soon. I am resting on HIS promises in the meantime.
“To bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:3a
Maybe you have felt something similar? That your views on God have changed? Maybe it was a major crisis in your life? Your health? Death of a loved one?
Hold strong to that foundation of God that you know in your head and I believe eventually the heart will catch up.
8 Months
November 1,2009
I didn't even realize that today was 8 months until my sister called to check in on us. wow.
I explained that the grief these days is more of a subtle, underlying pain that just doesn't go away. Not that I'm thinking of my son Everett 24/7 but it is this dull ache... everytime we take a picture, do I smile? Everytime we run into a friend...are they feeling awkward because they don't know what to say, everytime I look at myself in the mirror, everytime I see Lindy play with a baby, everytime I see a man with his son, everytime I see a pregnant woman. It is pervasive and painful.
I try not to dwell on what I think Everett would be doing right now, but it is hard not to compare to children I've seen. So instead of dwelling on what he would be doing...lets make it hypothetical...
I wonder what his first halloween costume would have been. I wonder if he could have eaten well and still be nursing at 8 months. I wonder if he would have been a lot LIKE Lindy or totally opposite. I wonder if he had dimples like his big sister. I wonder if they would have gotten along. I wonder how schedules work with 2 kids trying to nap. I wonder how you shop with 2 kids in the shopping cart (where does all the food go?).
I know that God will give us another child. I know I can answer some of those questions with another, that or you moms can just tell me what its like. But it hurts to not know what Everett would have been all about.
When Dale and I are having a bad day, we've caught ourselves saying,
"If Everett was here...fill in the blanks"
We wouldn't fight as much
We'd have more money in the bank
We'd be happier
Our children would be the best behaved kids
All our problems would be solved.
It makes us laugh in the midst of our pain.
Yes, eventually, I think this constant pain will go away, but I honestly
don't want it to go away too quickly.
Sharing a piece of our memories
October 25, 2009
I thought we could share a few more photos of our son Everett. I was holding on to them tightly -they are all I have of him. I want to share some with you.
We have hundreds of photos of our son Everett but the only photo that I like of him is the one below. The below picture was taken by the nurse just hours after he was born and I think it reflects him how I remember him. By the time he was at the funeral (picture over to the right), he had lost his bubbly cheeks and full features.
Special thanks to Matt and Macho who took the beautiful pictures for us. We simply asked for them to capture everything on film and they did an AMAZING job. So professional and beautiful. thank you.
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